When my kids were younger, I tried my hand at writing a children’s book.
It was the story of a boy in a small town whose grandpa had a magical house: The House of Broken and Beautiful. His grandpa was beloved, though some who didn’t know him suspected him of evil.
A child would bring a bird with a broken wing to the front door, and days later, the bird would be better than the condition in which it was brought. Broken toys were the same.
One day, completely out of options, the boy brings his friend, a girl with a broken heart. It’s hard for him to let his grandpa take care of her, but slowly, she begins to heal.
My daughter loved it, mentioning it several times over a few years. (Of course, a friend pointed out the problematic nature of kids staying at what she called a “creepy old man’s house,” and that was the end of that.)
“I got this”
But I thought of that story when trying to get back to sleep one night recently. My daughter had decided she’d like to ride a bike around town, so I’d dusted off my mountain bike to take it into the shop.
Perhaps it goes without saying that if I personally attempted to tune and fix the bike–whose seat came off in my hands while I loaded it into our scrappy Subaru–my daughter might as well walk.
The same man who’s owned the shop since we moved here wheeled it up the shop’s paint-chipped steps. His smile is easy, and his questions show he knows bikes. He kindly helped me understand the last bike I brought in for her would be too short if she was as tall as I said she was, so off to Goodwill it went.
I trust him with the bikes, because he’s the bike guy in town.
This came to mind, too, as my kids age and I grow painfully aware of my powerlessness in awakening their hearts.
I, with the parenting book on spiritual life skills, know very well that salvation only belongs to God.
Cultivation is my job. I can’t create growth.
“I was supposed to save somebody”
In her excellent book How (Not) to Save the World: The Truth about Revealing God’s love to the People Right Next to You, Hosanna Wong–who grew up in inner-city San Fransisco–tells the story of witnessing her first murder at nine years old, in a park she and her three-year-old brother frequented.
Interestingly, her takeaway emotion…was guilt.
“This was the first moment I remember feeling like I was supposed to save somebody, but I didn’t.”
Three decades later, Wong sees the stabbing would likely not have been stopped by a nine-year-old yelling, much less running into the fray.
She realizes there’s a parallel. As an early Jesus-follower, she felt that if she didn’t save everyone around her, she was falling short.
But saving the world was and is Jesus’ calling. We don’t have the power to do it.
Wong writes words I feel profoundly as a parent:
When we see ourselves as saviors, we can start finding our identity in the outcome of what we do, at times seeing ourselves as greater than we are–basking in the success of our achievements and overly self-assured in our savior-like abilities.
At other times we see ourselves less than we are–feeling disproportionately insecure, empty, and meaningless when we feel like we’ve failed at am important task. We can begin hurting ourselves and others from the all-consuming unrest, burning ourselves out by the insistent striving, or finding ourselves frozen from doing anything due to fear of failing.
What’s your go-to?
Just like me trying to fix a bike (“Think we’ll need a hammer?”), I have to trust in the boundaries, the limits, God’s set on my abilities and resources.
Parenting so often unearths what I really trust in.
Maybe we try to address things by control of our kids’ environment. Or financial resources, or buckling down, or exerting control. Maybe we trust our ability to help or research or do what’s right.
Think: What’s your go-to strategy when the wheels start falling off with one of your kids?
In my inability to create growth in my kids, God’s creating in me a new humility, like pink new skin. In my arms, metaphorically weak as a jellyfish, he’s forming in me “arms [that] can bend a bow of bronze” (Psalm 18:34).
And in what I can’t do, he’s saying, I got this.
‘You can’t force these things. They only come about through my Spirit,’ says God-of-the-Angel-Armies.
Zechariah 4:6
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June 15, 2022 at 9:10 pm
You mentioned controlling children; seems that often leads to rebellion. However, protecting their young, impressionable minds from the lies of the Enemy that permeate the schools, media, video games… can we just say “wood, hay, and stubble”?, while lovingly filling their minds and time with God-honoring education, fun, and serving others as a family, have helped many children find the straight and narrow path rather than block it.
June 15, 2022 at 9:21 pm
Great differentiation, Michelle. In your words I hear an allusion to Philippians 4:8: “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” One friend wisely said self-discipline is usually learned by others first teaching us discipline, and it sounds like that’s the kind of habits you’re hoping to instill in your kids!
I’m parenting four teenagers, which is where developmentally I’m gradually shifting from authority to influence. And I can totally confirm that overcontrol tempts kids toward rebellion. 🙂 I’m also trying to somehow help them to be able to grapple with culture, like Paul did in Acts 17. But the culture’s voice is so strong right now… I’m praying both of our kids will continue to choose to meditate/chew on what’s holy.
Thanks for this thoughtful response!
July 30, 2022 at 1:43 pm
I have an 18-year-old son who just moved out to go to college and has been struggling with depression since adolescence. Now his 16-year-old brother, who has a positive outlook on life, is spending all his spare time playing video games and watching movies, even until past midnight every night. I was so concerned that he’s falling into a bad pattern that I took his TV away. So, he promised he would keep a better schedule, and we gave it back. So, I think I’m a control freak, but he is my 16-year-old child. I wish now we had never let any TV in their rooms, ever! I know I’m more advisory now than controlling. But I still want to protect him from habits that I think will harm him. It feels like such a catch 22. But what you said about salvation only belongs to God makes me think I need to lean more on prayer and trying to be a good influence.
August 1, 2022 at 3:17 pm
Parenting each teen in my house feels so complicated. And I totally get the weirdness about where to exert the control you have left versus influence. My son’s also struggling with some of the same things, and I literally got him up early last week to suddenly go woodchop in the forest with his grandpa (our church uses the wood for the homeless). Praying for your discernment and wisdom right now, Vanessa!