So my husband John and I have a house rule. If after arguing in marriage, you think someone should be sleeping on the couch, that someone needs to be you.
Thankfully, I can count those times on one hand. Maybe one or two fingers.
That doesn’t mean we don’t have times when we’re like, Seriously???
Or, Touch me right now and I might bite your fingers.
But over 25 years of marriage (“five out of five stars! Would marry again!“) and training in conflict coaching–we’ve picked up a lot of strategies that help us disagree in ways that can even leave us…
Stronger. And even–closer.
(Give ’em a try, and maybe makeup sex may not be out of the question.)
Try these strategies.
When it comes to arguing in marriage, rethink “winning.”
Conflict, silent or loud, is about clashing values (James 4:1). It’s not about winning.
Trust me–you could slam dunk every single argument and completely lose.
So whether you’re arguing about co-parenting issues, what color to paint the bedroom, or who’s making dinner–opportunity lies in those opposing interests.
God made you different on purpose. (If you’re both the same, one of you is redundant.)
So arguing in marriage is your open window to
- Act like Jesus–and become more like him, maybe by letting go of some sin or immaturity you didn’t know you had.
- Show God’s hesed covenant love to each other.
- Mature, via perspectives beyond your own.
- Replay to each other how God responded in his conflict with us: moving toward us when we were his enemies (Romans 5:8), to the point of laying down his rights, status, desires, and even his life.
Think about it. How could your conflicts change if you came away feeling understood, empathized with, and appreciated?
If you came away as better people, rather than one stomping around, maybe burning the pancakes on purpose?
Work to transfer your mindset from “me against you” to “us against the problem.”
Identify the argument beneath the argument.
Pro tip: If you drove your spouse’s car and left it looking like a fast-food trash can–complete with no gas–the issue is likely not “I have to throw away some stuff.”
They might feel taken for granted. Or that you don’t respect their space and belongings. Or seem to demonstrate a pattern of thoughtlessly not “seeing” them.
What’s your conflict really about?
Think about questions like these.
- How well do I understand what my spouse is protecting right now, and why? Do I need to ask more questions?
- What’s valid about what my spouse wants–even if they’re lacking perspective?
- How would my spouse want me to emotionally “see” them, if they knew I would listen and respond?
How you argue might be as important as the issue.
First Corinthians 13 reminds me that I can be knowledgeable and sacrificial and generally righteous…but without love, I’m nothing (vv. 4-8).
You could say,
If I let my spouse choose the movie,
if I logically trump my spouse’s irrationality,
if I always unload the dishwasher and serve in church leadership,
but without compassion, empathy, and a heart-level attitude of humble sacrifice,
I’m bankrupt.
Rather than disgust, resignation, and self-interest, thread faith, hope, and love through your conflicts (1 Corinthians 13:13).
And don’t miss Could You Be Emotionally Dominating Your Relationships?
4+ Ways to argue with faith, hope, and love
- Ephesians 5:18 warns, “And do not get drunk with wine…but be filled with the Spirit.” Are there ways we’re more influenced by emotion–under the influence of anger, fear, loss–than the Holy Spirit? Relentlessly hand him control of your words, facial expressions, gestures, and posture.
- Refuse to punish your spouse for their failures and weakness–even with resentment, the silent treatment, lacking support, or some form of “Fine. Then I’ll…”
This doesn’t mean that when you’re arguing in marriage over more significant issues, there’s no accountability or consequences to help the other person grow–like putting a budget in place, or getting help for a porn addiction. But this isn’t punitive.
Instead, lean toward your spouse, doing what’s best for them, even when everything in you feels like pulling away.
Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 1 Peter 3:9
- Avoid
- “You always . . .” “You never . . .” “You’re such a . . .” None of us are always anything. Jesus gives us the power for change (1 Peter 2:24; Romans 6:17–18). We aren’t slaves to sin. This is hope—and this is the gospel for both of you.
- Mentioning or alluding to divorce in any way. This undermines God’s all-in, covenant love between you.
- Try scripts like these, spoken sincerely:
- “That makes a lot of sense.”
- “Help me understand.”
- “You’re right. I could have [insert genuine repentance]. Will you forgive me?”
- “I think my perspective is different, but you’re making very valid points. I agree that…”
- “I’m on your team.”
- “We can figure this out.”
- “I love you. I hate it when we argue. I want to find a solution that works for both of us.”
May your conflict make you look more like Jesus.
Happy(er) arguing.
Did you find this helpful? You might enjoy my next book,
How to Stop Yelling Up the Stairs: Keeping Your Cool While Raising Your Kids,
releasing April 21, 2026.
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