Hey.
We’ve talked over breakfast about this. Or over coffee. Or on a road trip. You’ve been married over a decade now—and maybe the One That Got Away has, too.
I feel compassion for the wistfulness in your eyes, the downplayed curiosity in your voice.
I noticed you brought them up after describing how your spouse just doesn’t get you. How sometimes you feel alienated. Ignored. Alone. Angry, even. I get the idea your marriage right now may not seem much like your Happily Ever After.
Or maybe you’re just asking questions about your life, wondering, How did I get here? I’ve been in a season like that. Definitely wasn’t my favorite.
You’re a Christian, but wondering if there could truly be harm in reaching out for friendship—anything to help this parched feeling, the part of you that feels like it’s slipping away.
So thanks for trusting me with the gift of your true questions and struggles. I like that you’d rather talk about it than go underground.
What do you do if you’re married, Christian, and thinking about someone else? (Don’t miss Christian, Married–and Attracted Elsewhere.)
If you’re asking … with emotional honesty? A few thoughts.
1. Be curious.
I’ve quoted elsewhere the words of therapist Jay Stringer, in his book on unwanted sexual behavior. Stringer writes wisely,
“One evening of deliberate curiosity for your sexual fantasies will take you further into transformation than a thousand nights of prayerful despair.”
What is it, specifically, that this person represents about what you have, don’t have, or desire? How might it unfold a map of specific pathways toward God, in how He responds to you?
I’m saying that your attention to the One That Got Away may mean something is broken in your marriage, your life, or both. And without addressing that core issue, you’re slapping on a Band-Aid.
So let’s try something. What is godly and good about what you want? Maybe you long to be loved, seen, understood. Maybe you miss friendship and hopefulness. It’s possible you wish you were treated with dignity and respect.
Let me say this clearly: You are worthy of this kind of love. You were created for covenant love. And the pain when you don’t experience that love is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. God knows well that it stinks to be alone (Genesis 2:18, Matthew 26:36-46).
But there are likely some illegitimate desires here, too. Perhaps you’re feeling a strong pull to escape—which though understandable, doesn’t represent the covenant love, the never-split-this (Matthew 19:6), one-flesh nature God intended for marriage.
Sure, that kind of marriage might feel almost laughable from where you’re at right now. (See “Think Your Marriage is Dying? 7 Signs to Consider”.) It’s possible that right now something in you wants to bolt from covenant love. To just escape.
But if you’ll allow me to say the hard thing: The seams of your marriage pulling from one another entitles neither of you to start ripping. In fact, the onus remains on you to seek out what will stitch you back together.
Even if this act of reaching out were to stay as a friendship–don’t miss I’m married. Can I have a best friend of the opposite sex?
Something tells me this “harmless” text will do far more tearing than sewing. That reality plops this in the temptation category. It’s not just a desire.
Without addressing the core issues beneath your desire, they could pop up in other, equally destructive ways. You might not invite God and his covenant love to speak to this desire—leaving it to grow unhindered.
2. Ask yourself questions.
- When I’m honest, what do I hope will happen from this text? What “blameless” outcomes do I hope for (…or at least tell myself I’m hoping for)? What less-than-holy outcomes do I wish would happen, perhaps secretly?
- What regrets am I experiencing? Why? Looking at Scripture, how do I imagine God responding to those regrets?
- How do I specifically fantasize about this person responding to me? Why do I have a desire to hide these fantasies? For my family, what would the endgame be in that scenario?
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- What qualities about this person are attractive to me? What does this reveal about my present losses or desires?
- In what ways might this person not actually match who I imagine them to be? How might I have made them larger than life, and perhaps removed from the type of weaknesses I witness in my spouse, or other realities in my life?
- On a scale of 1-10, how content do I feel in my marriage? My life circumstances?
- Read Proverbs 16:33, 19:21; Isaiah 45:7-9; Lamentations 3:37-38; and Colossians 1:16-17. Do I believe God truly let this person “get away”? What questions is my heart asking about my marriage and/or my life?
- What do I wish I could ask God about my circumstances? How do I sense him responding?
- In what ways might texting the One That Got Away leave my marriage vulnerable—and even inviting in the Enemy into my mind, my heart, my relationships?
- When I am honest, how does the Holy Spirit respond to the idea of me texting the One That Got Away?
- If I (or if it’s easier, a friend of mine) were in a loving marriage, how would I feel about my spouse having these thoughts, desires, and temptations about another person? Would I encourage them to reach out to the friend? If my marriage or life are in desperate times, do I believe God gives me a pass? (If your marriage involves one of the three A’s—abuse, addiction, or an affair—it’s time to seek professional help. See Are You in an Abusive Relationship?)
- What lies am I believing right now
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- About God?
- About what God commands me to do?
- About myself?
- About my circumstances?
3. Do your thoughts about the One That Got Away match God’s idea of marriage?
Tim and Kathy Keller write poignantly,
God is the lover and spouse of his people. But we have given him the marriage from hell. God is in the longest-lived, worst marriage in the history of the world. We have turned to idols in our hearts, we have turned away from him, we have been absolutely terrible spouses. But God did not abandon us.
In Jesus Christ, God entered the world and paid the price to buy us away from our sin and enslavements by dying on the cross.
In Hosea 2—a book where God asks the prophet Hosea to literally marry a prostitute, to represent God’s relationship with his unfaithful wife, Israel—God sets out to woo her back. He’s rewriting how they will relate to each other.
And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord. (vv. 19-20)
God’s determined to scrap what wasn’t working and rebuild with the same woman.
Remember that verse, “The man and his wife…will be one flesh” (Genesis 2:25)? Consider whether God would treat his bride—you—the same way you’re viewing your spouse, in your heart.
4. Win every battle.
In 2 Corinthians 10, Paul likens the fight for God’s Kingdom to a war. And Paul specifically addresses a particular battlefield: the mind.
For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ… (vv. 4-5)
Forgive the grim and perhaps even inappropriate imagery, please—but imagine you’re a school administrator, just tipped off there might be an active shooter attempting to sneak into your elementary school.
Will you tap them on the shoulder and invite them in for a cup of coffee…or tackle them to the ground and immediately call the authorities? Will you take all means necessary to save those entrusted to your care?
Your students are vulnerable. And without your intervention, blood will be spilled.
The threat, Paul says, must be taken captive. Destroyed, no matter how clever its costume.
Later in Philippians, we’re told to think about “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise” (4:8-9).
When you’re honest, do your thoughts about the One That Got Away fall in this category?
Or like the biblical Joseph, bolting from his master’s wife to the point he left his jacket in her hand, will you “Submit yourselves therefore to God”—trusting him with every way your marriage is lacking, because he deeply cares? Will you “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7, 1 Peter 5:7)?
When I say I’m for you—please know I mean it.
The One That Got Away can often look like a beautiful resolution to searing pain. But that wouldn’t be the only temptation to masquerade as something light-filled, an angel of sorts—when in truth, it is darkness (2 Corinthians 11:14).
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I’m married. Can I have a best friend of the opposite sex?
Christian, Married–and Attracted Elsewhere
