The Stressed Parent, & Your Brain on COVID-19

First week of COVID-19 closures: a week of strange dreams.

Once, I dreamt I was driving in the dark, but my headlights kept flipping off. I kept protesting that I could hit something.

Another night, I was unprepared for a trip to a writer’s conference I wasn’t sure why I’d signed up for–but my editor was there, anticipating I would have great things to say. I’d forgotten shoes, blouses, my computer charger.

In real life, I fell back spread-eagle on our mattress. “Why am I so worn out?” I mumbled, eyes closed pathetically.

My mind went to my first days in foreign countries, where I would marvel at my fatigue–which increased the more I interacted with the culture.

Everything seemed just left of my own normal. But I underestimated the piece of my pie it would commandeer.

Of course, none of our COVID-19 stresses happen in a vacuum. One of my friends is in her first trimester, now working with kids at home. Several of us and spouses labor long hours for newly hatched problems. Personally, a family emergency added intense stress to our home.

And this week, my friend struggling with cancer woke up one morning in Paradise, his body now not just restored, but glorified.

(The rest of us did not.)

One morning, I researched the effects of the stress hormone cortisol on the human brain. One of its effects: brain fog (the article actually said this). (I was fascinated and educated by this article’s 11 ways to lower your cortisol .)

But as I’ve written before, I’m learning to pay more attention to my stressed self so I can manage my emotion, rather than the other way around.

What can it look like to respond as parents and humans to #coronanxiety?

Everything is #EGR: Extra grace required.

The whole country’s stress is ratcheted up a notch.

When someone steers around us to get to the toilet paper first, it takes forethought to operate beneath human generosity and graciousness rather than letting our own fear label what must be their (selfish! panicked! oblivious!) motivation.

It’s a time for more counter-intuitive kindness. Not less.

And we’re more likely to do that when we forbid ourselves to be controlled by fear, but by the God with reins on every atom.

When we, as a friend wrote recently,

trust him more deeply than just having faith we [or our loved ones] won’t get sick. 

My sense of security has to be in something greater than my power to control my surroundings.

Comfort has to be in something greater than my stash of food.

Safety has to be in something greater than the healthcare system.

Peace has to be in something greater than any preventative measure I can make.

Keep gratitude close at hand.

I’ve mentioned studies finding gratitude so closely linked with happiness, the two are nearly indistinguishable.

Gratitude also lessens anxiety and helps us heal from grief.

Personally, it helps me remember the ways God’s packed my lunch–my personal reference to one night when I was worried as an adult. My mom, who packed about 5 lunches every weekday for at least 18 years, asked if I’d ever had to come down in the morning, wringing my hands. “Did you pack my lunch?”

I smiled when she said this. Not with my mom at the helm, you see. She always packed my lunch. To worry about this would, in some ways, be an affront to her constancy; her faithful care and provision for me.

You see where I’m going with this.

Back off the urgent COVID-19 news and/or social media.

I’m sure I don’t need to remind any of us that urgency is how the news makes its money. (I.e., They live off our fear.)

Yes, we need to know facts. But we don’t need them 24/7. We need some trustworthy information maybe once a day.

And the normal (non-pandemic) stats about social media’s increase of our anxiety, depression, and loneliness are well, old news. I’m sure that brother-in-law constantly posting about COVID-19 doesn’t scream, “Trust God. Dwell in peace.”

Our kids and spouses are absorbing our stress. Need we fuel it?

The stories we tell ourselves matter.

I realize the Enneagram has its issues (time on your hands? You could try a free online test). Yet one of its valuable aspects to me is its predictions of each personality in its stressed state.

I happen to know I become either the equivalent of a military dictator or, diametrically, maintain the self-possession of mashed potatoes: I’m a passive people-pleaser who’d only like to keep the peace.

Admitted fiction-junkie that I am, I read a great line in a novel this week. It’s one I can’t recommend because it doesn’t meet my criteria, but the line itself smacked me like a bottle of hand sanitizer to the forehead.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t get to decide…I think you can decide about this and you’re talking like you can’t.”

I have to intentionally remind myself I can say “no” rather than being lashed at the heels by clients or shortages or others’ needs.

(If you love the Enneagram, don’t miss this hilarious meme on coronavirus responses by enneagram.)

What narratives are we telling ourselves about what’s going on? Are we taking our cues from our worry, empathy, desire to appear calm and collected?

Around the world, many nations will suffer far more than the U.S. from COVID-19. They don’t possess clean water, adequate health education or facilities, or enough cash to stockpile. When the economy falls, it’s the poor who take the greatest brunt.

We have the power monitor the stories we tell ourselves and our kids.  Without being false, let’s exchange discussions of gratitude, a God who’s got this, and with a keen eye to how we’re each responding to stress.

Prepare for the long haul with strategic soul-care.

Someone recently told me about a meme that says, “Me homeschooling, Day 1: [image of Mary Poppins] Me homeschooling, Day 50: [image of Annie’s Ms. Hannigan].”

Remember all that stuff I was learning about rest? I think I’m going to have to relearn it.

Because rested, I’m just better at loving. At not being driven–and driving everyone else–by fear.

FamilyLife.com has a free link right now for a “Soul-Care Staycation”–including a great soul-care assessment and tips for Parent-Burnout.

Keep reaching out: For them. For yourself.

Think about neighbors and friends. Who’s immuno-compromised? At risk for COVID-19? More likely to be anxious or isolated?

Loving a neighbor as ourselves is great to take our eyes as a family from our own bellybuttons.

Maybe it’s picking up the groceries for that neighbor over 65. Or it’s Facetiming the friend who’s anxious. Could be using Marco Polo to check in, or sending a note in the mail.  Perhaps it’s walking or running with a friend with 6′ between you.

Kids can join in on this: Thinking about a packaged treat to leave at someone’s door, or who might need a card in the mail or a video over text. They can create a paperchain of people to pray for every day who might be vulnerable or afraid.

It’s good for all of us to maintain virtual community amidst social distancing, rather than isolating, where fear–and for many, despair–grows.

Relentlessly tell yourself, and your kids, the truth. Memorize it.

This could be a great time to have the kids pick a reward, and memorize verses about trusting God (I’ve got a couple of printables here for that).

Or have a family competition. Maybe put on a face mask with your daughter and read a devotional. Or cuddle with a child and a cup of tea.

Intentionally create an environment of peace.

My husband and I realized we need a bit more structure. Kids will be doing a half an hour of school until online learning ramps up. We’ve asked them to have at least 15 minutes of devotional time.

I’m doing a few things like playing instrumental music and diffusing some essential oils (I like some of these blends), totally for myself, since God’s connected my spirit to this body of mine. I’m waking up to exercise, have some chai from this recipe I love, pray, read the Word.

Sometimes this is totally going to look like us sitting down and hashing out, then forgiving each other, over all the little “He’s had the computer, for like, an hour!” and “Could you please not chew that like a cow?”

God seems to get me thinking about how I can set the tone I want in our house during COVID-19.

Who does he want your family to be?

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