This week, I’m working through the final interior design and whatnot on my own parenting book (due out this October: Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts. #shamelessplug). And there are moments in real-life parenting when I’m whispering to myself, “Maybe we should retitle this thing I’ve Got Nothin’.”
But those moments give me all the more reason to get excited about other parenting books genuinely trying to step in with practical ideas to help us connect and shape and love well. So I’m tickled pink to be offering two copies of Becky Harling’s How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk (Bethany, 2021).
I don’t offer you books that freely (…there’ve been some I haven’t offered). I want to earn your trust when it comes to resources. And most other things. (Things you should not trust me on: Math. Athletic ability. How to care for straight hair. Potty training.)
But Becky’s got some gems tucked in How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. Please, read over my shoulder.
How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk: Quotes I love
“What do you wish we had done differently?”
Becky’s husband Steve asks her adult children this question–and Becky mentions that by God’s kindness, “I was able to receive all that they shared.”
What I love about this: Throughout the book, Becky seems to indicate that listening to our kids, to anyone, requires humility. There is a profound grace in asking good questions, seeking to really be present with the person across from us, and shelving our agendas while we receive someone.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote wisely, reminding people like me of the danger of always having a helpful response:
The first service one owes to others in a community involves listening to them. Just as our love for God begins with listening to God’s Word, the beginning of love for others is learning to listen to them. God’s love for us is shown by the fact that God not only gives God’s Word, but also lends us God’s ear.
We do God’s work for our brothers and sisters when we learn to listen to them.
So often Christians, especially preachers, think that their only service is always to have to ‘offer’ something when they are together with other people.
They forget that listening can be a greater service…Christians who can no longer listen to one another will soon no longer be listening to God either.
Questions for self-care.
Becky peppers How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk with something unexpected: Wisdom and questions for self-care. Why? “Parents who are tired and overcommitted are more likely to lose it with their kids.”
Yes. Yes, we are. (I had to wrestle upon this tough realization in The True Cost of Overcommitment.)
So Becky asks great questions like,
- How does a lack of sleep impact your body language?
- What messages did you grow up with about negative emotions?
- Which emotions in your child are hardest for you to cope with?
- What triggers anger or fear in you?
She also asks…
“Which child are you most worried about right now? What can you control, and what can you not control?”
I’ve written a bit about what it’s like to have a child that’s different from what you expected, or When You’re Scrabbling for Hope for *That* Child. or When Your Child’s Weaknesses Feel Overwhelming.
Every one of these has been me.
I find that my kids occasionally rotate in and out of my triage. And for better or for worse, that triage child determines not a small part of my life experience in that season.
But I’ve also been thinking about this: Those times of concern also increase my advocacy and attachment to that child. I have fierce feelings for my second son, for example, because of all we’ve slugged through with his ADHD.
These times have kneaded into me God’s advocacy and love as a Father, too.
“When are you most likely to talk to me?”
As a question-collector, I love this genius question Harling posed to kids. Listen to some of their answers:
- “When you don’t have an angry face.”
- “When [my little sister] is not around.”
- “You zip your mouth and put down your phone.” (Oof. That one was a teenager.)
Now I want to go ask my kids!
“Be intentional about dates.”
I was relieved that this was something my husband and I (him even more than me) are already doing. We rotate through our kids (not on a schedule, per se), taking them for coffee or whatnot. (Much easier pre-COVID, but not un-doable now.)
This is one of those answers I anticipate in response to “When are you most likely to talk to me?”
“Fools show their annoyance at once.”
Totally have not considered applying this verse to parenting (Proverbs 12:16). In fact, Harling counsels parents who want their teens to talk to practice not looking shocked.
This has been 100% true for my teens. Sometimes I’ve totally managed this–but I’ve had to pay for the times I haven’t.
Becky elaborates, “If you want your kid to talk to you, the ‘evil eye’ has to go.”
Shot to the heart.
What if you have little-bitty kids right now? I loved this quote she requotes: “In a child’s first two years, the desire to experience joy in loving relationships is the most powerful force in life.” Referring to the location of the “joy center” behind the eyes, the quote continues, “In fact, some neurologists now say that the basic human need is to be the ‘sparkle in someone’s eyes.'”
Becky opens each chapter with other thoughtful nuggets from other authors, too–like this one I love.
We’re called to see the preciousness of our children even when they are covered in their own “mess.”
Dr. Karyn Purvis
Here the Gospel in there? Jesus coming to us in our mess?
Me, too.
Angry Parent = Angry Child
With my recurring anger issues, maybe I should get this one tattooed on my person somewhere. It’s an idea.
That said–there’s a lot of parenting gold to be mined in How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. And I’m thrilled to give away two copies!
Want to win a copy of How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk? Enter a comment below!
I’ll contact you via the email address you enter. Thanks for being a reader!
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March 2, 2021 at 2:16 am
Oy! Lots of good reminders here!
March 10, 2021 at 1:43 am
Thanks, Leslie! It was a great read for me!
March 2, 2021 at 1:33 pm
I am always thankful for your humility and empathy as you guide us toward the Grand Story of the gospel in real parenting. Parenting is a long game, and results are slow and patient. I’m grateful for your hard-learned insights along the way!
March 10, 2021 at 1:44 am
Gosh, I love the way you put this, Tracy: “the Grand Story of the gospel in real parenting.” Yes, yes, yes. And yes on hard-earned, slow results! Thanks so much for totally getting me. Really encouraged by your words today!
March 2, 2021 at 2:45 pm
We never arrive at this parenting journey, so I welcome the humble wise words of those God has gifted to be a sound, encouraging voice to us, yes please!!
March 10, 2021 at 1:45 am
Katie, you won one of the giveaway books!! I’m so happy for you! Want to email me your address? Congratulations!
March 2, 2021 at 4:11 pm
This is SO good and so timely. ???? I love how you shared what you’re not gonna share (math….potty training advice… we had a potty party for one of my boys and DURING the party he pooped in his new big boy pants under the slide !! ?). The genes you shared from the book are so applicable. Lord help me apply them.
March 10, 2021 at 1:47 am
Kelly, your comment totally made me laugh out loud! I was like, “I am the world’s worst potty trainer!!” Glad someone else has moments like mine. (One of mine pooped in the closet and blamed the dog.) Thanks so much for commenting!
March 2, 2021 at 5:58 pm
Looking forward to your book! And have been wanting to read Becky’s as well! Thank you for such a sweet giveaway.
March 10, 2021 at 1:48 am
Thanks so much for the encouragement, Jessica! Someone else won the giveaway, but I hope you still get to read Becky’s book. Loved hearing from you!
March 2, 2021 at 10:38 pm
Sounds like a really helpful book! I have two teenagers right now and it’s a challenge to get them to talk/open up like they used to.
March 10, 2021 at 1:54 am
Oh, gosh, yes! So you’re doing this, too, Laurie?!! Teens are a whole different animal. I feel like I’m constantly learning (…and failing?)!
March 3, 2021 at 11:48 am
I love the question, “When are you most likely to talk to me?” As an adoptive mama of 3, who is pursuing adopting another sibling group, these tips are already so precious to me! Thank you for sharing. Anything I can do to be a better mama is important tome!
March 10, 2021 at 1:56 am
Stacey, I absolutely loved hearing from you (and am a little in awe of your heroic parenting. Thank you for serving God’s kingdom like this and loving on these kids!). Someone else won the giveaway, but my heart is so warmed by your words and this little slice of your story. Grateful for you commenting today, and for your perseverance to love deeply.
March 10, 2021 at 1:58 am
Stacey, though you weren’t one of the winners…would you permit me to send you a “very good” used copy? I would love to show my support for what you’re doing! If you feel comfortable, please email me your address using the form in the About/Contact tab above. I’m ready to send another copy your way!
March 3, 2021 at 9:16 pm
Thanks for sharing from your heart. I appreciate these ideas since my kids have some tough issues that we aren’t always sure how to talk about.
March 10, 2021 at 1:56 am
Amber, you won!! So thankful that this can hopefully help as you start conversations with your kids. Hugs!
March 4, 2021 at 6:08 pm
Connection with a parent is so important and these questions seem to be great ones to strengthen connection. Thanks for this post. You mentioned a Karyn Purvis quote and a recent book she coauthored also looks good—The Connected Parent.
March 10, 2021 at 1:59 am
Yes! That’s exactly what they feel like to me, too, Alicia. And I actually loved The Connected Parent. Great suggestion!!