Reading Time: 4 minutes

presence

When I first arrived back after living in Africa, it surprised me. I discovered it over lattes, or in the church foyer, or checking out at the grocery store.

I realized a lot of people were hungry, starved even, to be listened to. To have someone look them in the eye, even for a few seconds, and be with them. Undistracted. Agenda-free. Curious. Empathetic.

Then I realized how hard it can be to live in America and stay present with people.

We can blame it on smartphones or social media or shoehorned schedules or earbuds. But really, presence isn’t just being robbed from us. We’re…surrendering it freely, right?

I’ve been there, rushing breathless into a coffee shop, or rehearsing my response while someone’s still talking, or my kids having to reel in my attention with “Mom!”

It’s hard to be all there. (Don’t miss All There: Tips on Being Fully, Powerfully Present.)

The sheer amount of information we’re attempting to digest in a single day is staggering.  Frontiers for Young Minds reports,

Scientists have…found that an average person living today processes as much as 74 GB in information a day (that is as much as watching 16 movies), through TV, computers, cell phones, tablets, billboards, and many other gadgets. Every year it is about 5% more than the previous year. Only 500 years ago, 74 GB of information would be what a highly educated person consumed in a lifetime…

And looking around at the one-man band parents are expected to attempt–presence seems an increasingly rare and precious gift for our kids.

(Wondering if you’re a good listener? I like FamilyLife.com’s quiz on this.)

Presence: Don’t Miss This

As my own teens army crawl through tough issues, I feel as if God’s impressing on me that one of my primary roles with them is simply to be present. I think of Proverbs 23:26: My son, give me your heart.

It’s not feeling very sexy, to tell you the truth. With three teens and a tween, let’s just say the forecast is hormonal with a chance of grumpy, with frequent gusts of icy, irrational anger.

I’ve scrabbled for purpose since we moved back from Africa, but as I’ve wondered why God pulled me from my sweet spot, I feel like I’m hearing his whisper: Here. I need you to be right here, raising these kids through tough days. Only you can do this.

So if, in the words of Ed Stetzer, I’m going to “Put [my] ‘yes’ on the table and let God put it on the map”–I need to be all here. In this zip code. Being present with each person in my path, I hope, but especially the work he’s given that only I can do.

Sometimes presence just looks like not opening my computer after dinner. Or incentivizing them with pricey caffeinated beverages. Or sliding dinner in at the right time so we can all eat together, even if occasionally we don’t get along. Maybe it’s shutting down Netflix at night when one of them knocks on the door and looks like they might want to talk. Or making the most of a car ride, just laughing or lamenting the day.

Want to up the presence factor with your kids? A few ideas to get the ball rolling.

11 Ways to Be Present with 2-11 Year Olds

  1. Color with them, or play playdough or action figures or dolls or Legos together. Ask them questions while you do.
  2. Read stories and talk about what you read. Ask your child to imagine, or what something would feel like. (Grab 32 Ideas to make the most of reading time with kids [includes free download]).
  3. Snuggle with them.
  4. Rub lotion on their backs and feet. Consider praying out loud for them while you do.
  5. Resist the urge to scroll through social media throughout the day.
  6. Turn off distracting/cluttering background noise, like music and TV.
  7. Use car time to chat and observe what’s outside.
  8. When you’re running errands or shopping or sitting at the coffee shop, interact rather than hand them your phone.
  9. Let them help with housework or cooking.
  10. Stop the multitasking every now and then, to just listen and give them your full focus.
  11. When they get home, sit down with them and process the day.

11 Ways to Be Present with Teens and Tweens

  1. When they get home, sit down with them and process the day.
  2. Look through Axis’ Culture Translator, emailed on Fridays, to be able to ask educated questions about their world.
  3. Invite them to speak their mind. (See 31 Conversation Starters for Teens, to Talk About What’s Real.)
  4. Model being unattached to your phone.
  5. Have dinner together.
  6. Grab coffee or ice cream. (Don’t use the drive-through.)
  7. Ask them to send you some of the music they like lately.
  8. Stop what you’re doing when they seem to be open to talking.
  9. When you’re giving driving lessons and they’re on an easy stretch, start some conversation.
  10. Ask about something you knew was on their mind, like that pre-cal test.
  11. Listen to what they’re trying to say in an argument, rather than how they’re saying it. Try to empathize.

I’d love to hear your ideas, too. What helps you be all there with your kids? Comment below!

 

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