Note from Janel: I’m trying this new series on for size–on raising emotionally-healthy kids. We’ll start with something that would make our nation look markedly different if it defined us, our leaders: Humility.

No, this is not because I actually think I have arrived or have everything you need to know. This site is about having the conversations we need to have.

As always, these conversations are made better when you chime in. I’d love your feedback about what works for you and what doesn’t. Let’s keep it real.

When Your Kid Messes Up

I received one of those calls from another mom where, at least for his part, my kid had messed up. These are (surprise) not my favorite kind of calls. I could still feel my heartbeat when we hung up, with plans for our kids to get together over a Coke and fries and reconcile.

Despite how these calls (yes, more than one) make me feel, it’s an opportunity. A choice: Defensiveness, humility? Distance, or closing the gap? Anger, or teachability?

Maybe you wonder with me, what humility looks like for kids. (And for us, as parents.) When they’re crushing it…or when they’re not.

Humility: What it is

Humility involves seeing ourselves just as God sees us. No greater. No less.

It’s a powerful force spiritually, because again, we find a choice: God opposes the proud (James 4:6), but our “high and lifted up God” dwells with and gives grace to the humble (Isaiah 57:15). The low, he says.

Humility involves placing ourselves in the right order of things: beneath God’s authority and seeing others of greater significance than us.

Because of this, humility is the avoidance of actions for appearances only. It’s transparency with our own sin and weakness, and choosing open repentance.

What humility isn’t

• Being self-effacing or falsely modest. Or being unable to accept thoughtful praise or accurate descriptions of what you’ve done well–what you could call “godward gratitude”
• the inability to tell people they’re incorrect, or that you disagree, or that they’re doing something that could harm someone
• being a doormat; not seeing yourself as worthy. Insecurity, like a barber pole, often has a revolving relationship with pride. Both find their value in what we do, what others think, or what we have (rather than in our image of God and our worthiness proclaimed by Jesus’ sacrifice)
• what we’d typically think of as “self-esteem”–because humility does not advocate for thinking highly of ourselves.

Pastor Tim Keller writes in The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness,

Up until the twentieth century, traditional cultures (and this is still true of most cultures in the world) always believed that too high a view of yourself was the root cause of all the evil in the world. What is the reason for most of the crime and violence in the world? Why are people abused? …Cruel? Why do people do the bad things they do? (emphasis added)

In fact, he quotes psychologist Laura Slater in an article for the New York Times, where she compares three current studies on self-esteem and concludes “people with high self-esteem pose a greater threat to those around them than people with low self-esteem.” In short, pride comes before a fall. (I know I’ve heard that somewhere.)

How low can we go?

Humility is closely tied in with compassion. Paul draws this dotted line in Philippians 2:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant…

This is pretty contrary to the American narrative our kids constantly receive.

My friend Tracy Lane, mother of two disabled children, writes of the recent inauguration,

I’ve seen it all over my feeds: “Now my daughter knows she can be whatever she wants to be.” But I want my daughters to know there’s more than that. To dream bigger than whatever they want to be!

There’s who their Creator created them to be. And that’s a dream laced with surrender. That’s something different than “whatever they want to be.”

Maybe God has a quiet midnight bedroom pouring their hearts into a newborn… or has a delicate ICU bedside in their future. Maybe it is the Oval Office someday. Or even taking the gospel to an unreached people far away.

Note: we’re not commanded against ambition, against selfish ambition. Are we helping our kids to “wash” their ambition–not soften it, but clean it from self-importance? (Personally, this has even included my dreams of doing great things “for God”. I’ve assumed a big life for God makes me significant or even superior.)

A few ideas to push us in the right direction.

Ideas to Teach Kids Humility: A Starting List

Post it.

For several seasons in my own life, I’ve posted Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth’s printable–contrasting proud and broken people–on a cabinet or the fridge. You might also like this infographic on Practical Tips on Humility from a Dead Bishop.

Grab a bicycle pump or balloon.

The Greek word physióō, translated as in 1 Corinthians 4:6 as “pride” or “puffed up”, is a word literally referring to a distended or inflated organ—or a swelled sense of self.

Pump the handle or blow up the balloon, and talk to kids about how—when we don’t choose to feel safe in God’s love—our lives become like something we inflate with all the ways we try to be okay (what people think of us, having control, what we do). They also deflate when we don’t have those things.

Because we’re made in God’s image and because Jesus died for us, we know we’re loved. We don’t have to try to pump ourselves up anymore.

Use Seeds Family Worship’s songs to memorize verses on humility–and talk about them.

Some faves:

• “He Humbled Himself” (Philippians 2:3-5, 8)
• “The Perfect Example” (John 13:12-17)
• “The Word of the Lord” (1 Peter 1:24-25)

Be the first to admit when you mess up.

Create a culture in your home of regularly saying “I’m sorry/I forgive you”–racing your kids to the cross.

We need first vertical (godward) forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration—then horizontal (with others), in a circle of individuals reaching as far as the offense.

The message of our parenting is not our perfection, but that we all need Jesus.

(Don’t miss this post on the Two of the most important words you’ll ever say to your kids.)

In praising & encouraging your kids, separate what they do from their worth.

This ties back to identity. On my fridge right now, there’s a line of mini-sticky-notes. Using text-language, they read, U R not what you do. Not what others think of you. Not what you have. U R a deeply loved child of God.

It’s tempting to tie kids’ goodness to their worthiness. It’s an excellent control device! Because if we don’t have it, we’re afraid of disconnection. Of unworthiness, not-enough-ness.

But you know another name for that?

Shame.

So in praising our kids, it makes more sense to say, “Great job! I am so proud of you. I’d love you even if you didn’t do this. [insert big hug] But I am really impressed with your hard work/kindness/etc.”

“You’re such a good example!”

Consider, too, the careful way we need to work another common parenting angle: “Be a good example!” Because yes, there’s biblical reason for our kids to walk in a way that shines (see Matthew 5:16).

But for as long as I can remember, I’ve loved to be appreciated, loved to achieve, loved to be a good example. (I make a fantastic firstborn.)

Nowadays I don’t call it a “good example” in my mind. I’ve realized it looks like me wanting to be that person–the one who others can look up to not for God’s glory, but my own superiority (aka glory). To make me great.

Now in the converse, when our kids mess up, we let them know we don’t love them any less. This week following a move of stupidity, I asked my youngest if he knew I loved him and God loved him even when he screws up.

He grinned in spite of himself. “Of course I do. You tell me every time.”

Atta boy.

Don’t miss Spiritual Life Skills for Kids: 11 Ideas to Encourage Confession.

Realize the honesty connection.

I’ve found there’s frequently a tie between lying and a lack of humility. We want to preserve appearances; avoid consequences. We embellish to make ourselves look better, or control others by spinning the narrative.

Check out more thoughts on insisting on accurate speech with our kids.

Let kids’ books and object lessons do some of the legwork.

I love these kids’ book lists on humility:

• from a classical academy
• from meaningfulmama.com (there are some overlaps in these lists of great picture books!

And don’t miss KidsofIntegrity.com’s hands-on lessons about humility.

The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches and honor and life. (Proverbs 22:4)

Your turn. What are some practical ways you’ve found to help kids understand humility? Help us out!

Like this post? You might like

• Bouncing Back: Helping Your Child Open the Gift of Failure
• Shine: What’s humility look like when I’m crushing it?
• When Anger’s Hot: Raising Self-Controlled Kids in Outrage Culture