Talking to Kids about Sex–without Purity Culture

My high school and college years hit smack in the middle of purity culture, with all its strengths…and weaknesses.

It’s easier now to see what fell short during those years. But man, was I deep in it. (How many times have I thought about trying to message all the women from that Lady in Waiting study I led?)

For this overachieving people-pleaser, purity culture helped my cravings (e.g. for others’ approval, or to find my identity in my performance) simply “get religion”–and a little moral lipstick. 

Yet in raising my own kids, it’s been tough to try to keep the baby, toss the bathwater of purity culture. (See this download for ideas on healthy ways to shift the ways we talk about sex.) 

Are there practical ways to coach my kids toward a lifestyle of sexual integrity–without the power of shame or fear behind it? What should/could dating look like, if it’s not only to find a spouse? In light of some of the vitriol-filled conversations around modesty, how can I keep my kids from letting their bodies be sexualized?

Why Talking to Kids about Sex Matters More Than You Think

And I’ve discovered just how vital discussions about bodies and sex are with kids even in preschool as together, we start building a God-centered worldview (…before other kids and Google build it for them).

Training from Dr. Juli Slattery and others has convinced me that

• Discipling our kids in their sexuality matters also because sexuality deals with the most intimate parts of who we are.
• What we believe about sex starts with–and reflects–what we believe about God. And vice versa: when sex gets confusing, our relationship with God gets confusing.
• God created sex as a transformative, experience-this-in-every-part-of-you metaphor for His covenant (hesed) love. Slattery sums this up by pointing out how sex mimics its celebration, intimate knowing, faithfulness, and sacrifice. And of all the lessons our kids receive, are there many more important than God’s covenant love? It makes so much more sense to me now why God created sex as a precious and powerful force in our lives.
• Someone is discipling my kids sexually, even when I’m not.
• Rather than the purity culture narrative of religiosity and reaching maturity when someone marries, I hope to direct my kids toward a different story. I’m talking lifelong integration of their faith with sexuality–with God as the ultimate redeemer. Not their ability to come to him with all their boxes checked.

Talking to Kids about Sex–without Purity Culture

So I was grateful and over-the-top thrilled, in the last several months, to help FamilyLife.com develop their new webpages on talking to kids about sex.

Personally, I really love

• Before You Talk to Your Kids about Sex: A downloadable guide helping parents pivot toward healthier ways of talking to kids about sex.
• Talking To Your Kids About Sex: Why, When, and How, from Dr. Slattery
• Talking To Kids About Sex? Don’t Forget About Identity
• Then, for each age group, grab a PDF of what to talk about with your child at each stage, so you’re equipped for “mini and many” developmentally appropriate conversations. (Hint: In this world, if you’d like to be the first one to talk to your child about an issue, that issue might need to feature much earlier than you’d think.)

Talking to kids about sex might be even more important than you thought. But you don’t need to fly blind. And like me, destructive patterns in how you learned about sex can stop in your generation, in your family.

Your turn.

What’s been important for you in talking to kids about sex?

How has your perspective changed?

Comment below!