Questions to Know Thy [Stressed] Self

Remember that moment when Bruce Banner suddenly morphs into the Incredible Hulk? His pupils start glowing; pretty soon his shoes are splitting off his expanding green feet.

Perhaps if my favorite blouse was ripping at the shoulder seams, my own stress identification would be a bit more astute. As it is, sometimes my husband sees my inner Hulk-ette beefing up a lot sooner than I do. (Irritating.) Can you hear me growl, “I’M…..NOT…..STRESSED!”

When I’m under stress, as much as I hate to admit it—people get a completely different me.

“I’m Not Stressed!”

I was once interacting regularly with a friend undergoing a significant period of upheaval in her life. I could tell she was starting to (rightfully) fray a bit at the edges. So in the midst of some conversation, I asked if we could accommodate her in light of all the stress she was facing.

She looked at me. “I’m not stressed.”

I don’t remember how I responded. I hope it was something gracious? But honestly, I also remember thinking, Uh-oh. So all your frustration toward me is just…because of me? (This is not beyond the scope of imagination. Sometimes a conflict with someone is just that.)

Later, she thoughtfully came back and admitted yes, she was stressed. The way I’d said it had made her feel defensive, she explained (that part was probably just me!). Someone else had later brought her to the same conclusion, but my friend was ready for it.

I understood the defensive part from my own experience. “Stressed” can carry all sorts of connotations, depending on your family, church, or other subcultures (click here for a free ebook to better understand your family’s subculture!). You might associate stress with

Weakness, imperfection, or failure
Neediness
Wanting attention
Irrationality
Emotional instability
Failing to have “joy”
Complaining
Overcommitment
Impatience
Ingratitude
Lack of character

Why is This So Important?

• Unmanaged high stress → burnout → depression. In short, identifying stress means you can manage stress before your stress manages you…and the people you love.
• When you’re stressed, you’re often vulnerable. You may need to see your own decision-making capacity as handicapped. For example, it was (wisely) recommended to my husband after his mom passed away that he not make any major decisions in that first year after. On a separate note, when I’m hormonal (a more short-term stressor), I know to take my emotions with a grain of salt, and restrain decisions and words formed on impulse, even when it feels so real.
• Just as it’s easiest to be kind or patient in the grocery store when you’ve had a good night’s sleep, aren’t in a rush, aren’t hangry—this applies to life in general. Stress and emotional pain (like physical pain) sap your resources. We all simply have less margin to love well. This might require a lighter schedule, more “white space” in your days to think and process, extra self-control with your kids or traffic on your commute or well-meaning mother-in-law.
• You might need to establish some boundaries: a script for yourself when for that friend who tends to want to talk too long on the phone while you’re at work. An answer you can extend when someone asks you to chair that committee. A request to your friend or spouse that he or she help out in a certain area that requires extra energy (kids, finances). If you struggle to know or set healthy boundaries, find ideas in the appendix.
• You can intentionally surround yourself with people who are emotionally safe places—who will ask hard questions, get all up in your bid’ness, and help you toward hope.
• We become more humble and dependent on others as we acknowledge our limitations. Rather than some superman or -woman persona, we’re more approachable, more compassionate toward others—and more confident when we realize what we’re able to overcome.
• You’re probably getting the idea this is a faith-based blog. Honesty in your emotions before God is an opportunity for you to trust more authentically in a God who’s right here with you rather than out there. You gain opportunities to put your money where your mouth is, trusting God in the most raw and dangerous times of your life. Eventually, it helps you to become closer to God as you realize how trustworthy he is.
• Understanding our stress helps us develop a proactive prescription for stress. It starts from filling our “soul holes”, and travels all the way up to our healthy coping mechanisms—rather than our knee-jerk reactions, which are typically much less healthy.
• When we know we’re stressed, studies show it actually minimizes our anxiety. We’re no longer expending energy to tell ourselves an alternate reality, one that we see denied in our wired reactions, our shaking hands, our outbursts—and then have to rationalize away (which, uh, statistically adds more stress). We’re able to acknowledge stress is normal. It’s not a sign we’re weak. Perfection belongs to God. None of us is invulnerable.

In her research, Dr. Brene Brown discovered that suppressing and avoiding negative emotions (like loss, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, or hurt) can’t happen without also tamping down our positive emotions of enjoyment, contentment, healthy pride, and affection.*

In short, when you’re aware of your stress, you’re no longer a victim of it. You’re headed toward being the victor. It helps you love better, believe more, and gain perspective. You understand this is a season.

What does the “stressed” me look like?

As this site states, stress isn’t always bad. It can help you stay focused and alert, and even save your life. But sustained stress can cause significant damage to our minds and bodies—and, I’d argue, our souls.

So let’s get down to it.  Consider both your actions and your body’s own symptoms: What does the “stressed” you look like? (These questions are intended as starters—not at all exhaustive lists.)

Though many of these have negative connotations it’s important to be aware of, stress is a part of life—and some ways of dealing with stress are completely within the range of normal, healthy, and loving.

For more ideas than these, please see this list, along with online stress inventories here and here. The central question: What are your dashboard lights for stress (and perhaps hormones)?

• Physically?

• Mentally?

• Emotionally and socially?

• Spiritually?

More questions about the stressed you

• How do I seek equilibrium when I’m stressed? In what areas do I tend to overindulge—and in which ways could I stand to embrace God’s rest, and practice a little of His compassion on me?
• What lies do I tend to believe when I’m stressed, about myself, others, or God? “I’m not doing enough.” “If I can just figure out what I should do, I’ll be good.” “This is not my problem.” “This is not my fault.” “This is entirely my fault.” “If only I had [insert regret]!” “I am so [insert adjective].” “God feels ___ toward me.”
• What truths in Scripture directly address the lies I tend to believe? How will I keep these truths accessible?
• Who are “safe” people I can turn to in my stress?
• If I don’t address my stress, who might pay the consequences?
• Often, we tend to resort to our usual “soul holes” (discussed here) Tim Keller identifies as comfort, security, approval, or power. Where are my default sources of fulfillment? What are legitimate—and illegitimate—ways I tend to do this?
• What “stress relief prescription” might a compassionate friend offer me in this situation?

Don’t miss other posts in this series:

• Know Thy [Stressed] Self, Part II: The Stressed Version of Your Marriage

• The Stressed Version of Your Parenting

• 10 Dashboard-light Questions: The Stressed Version of Myself

*Brown, Brene, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing (2010).]

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