Shame–and the Words You (& Everyone Else) are Dying to Hear

It’s an interesting dynamic for an Americans traveling to Asia or Africa when we first encounter the shame/honor thing in cultures. To my naked eye, it’s sometimes looked like them not telling the truth.

I’m probably going to botch this story–but I think of my sister and her husband in Asia looking for a pair of shoes. The shopkeeper says, Of course we have your size! but comes out repeatedly with pairs too small…and then actually hides. (Yes. Literally.)

But is there an element of truth to graciously covering someone’s weakness? What if they…don’t have what we want?

What We Zoom in On

Obviously what I’m not saying is, So please fabricate the truth. The American rises up in me, wants to shake a self-righteous, truth-hounding fist. But then I read all the inflammatory language in the headlines on my homepage. (Note to self: Get a new homepage.) They’re headlines designed as inflammatory clickbait are ruining entire careers. I think of how the courtroom of society has torched some individuals’ lives, marriages, and psyche because we think “the truth”–or at least a writer’s perspective of it–should be out there, right?

But another wise friend of mine, Barbara, in her book Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife, writes an unforgettable lesson for me.

Everyone with a camera in his or her hand makes a decision of focus, a choice to capture a memorable moment or event in hopes it will not be forgotten… Saying yes to the one means you say no to much more.

….Photographers have control. And so do you. Like them, you make hundreds of decisions a day with the lens of your heart, to show what you want others to see about your husband and your marriage. Photography is a creative form of communication, of telling a story, of sending an important message. So, too, are words.

….Men wonder if they can really do all that is expected of them. In their moments of doubt, sometimes more frequent than we women would imagine, in the darkroom of their souls they are asking, Can I do this?

….He is oh so aware of his inadequacy for any one of these responsibilities.

….Focus is a decision of what to include in the frame and how to keep disappointments in proper perspectives.

I’m saying this: Yes, I want a truthful marriage to the point that it’s painful. (If you don’t believe me, see this article on my unfailingly truth-telling husband.) But I also realize our greatest desire is not to be naked and ashamed. It’s to be both completely known and completely loved: naked and unashamed.

We’ve all been in that group of friends when you put your heart out there and…yeah. That sound? Crickets chirping.

We all long for a core message in concentric circles, from our most intimate relationships outward: I accept you. 

The Shame Factor

Shame continues to be the most popular topic on this blog. It’s tremendously formative in us–certainly in me! Shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown writes that shame is all about disconnection. Because of what we’ve done, which shame welds on to who we are, we’re rendered unworthy of being accepted, of connecting. 

That shame instinctively motivates us to cover. As David Benner writes,

We hide behind the fig leaves of our false self. This is the way we package our self to escape the painful awareness of our nakedness.

The problem with our false self is that it works. It helps us forget that we are naked. Before long, we are no longer aware of the underlying vulnerability…*

In fact, our own shame issues tend to get lumped on to others. Don’t embarrass me. You’d better be perfect, because people sure expect me to be. If you’re in a relationship or marriage with someone still dealing with their own shame, you might hear some messages that you’re worthy of disconnection.

In marriage and all intimate relationships, we have the power to undo, to redeem. To say vitally and repeatedly, I accept you.

(I wonder: Is that the core message people are getting from me?)

Um, why is this such a big deal again?

Some of you are new to this site and not really keen on the religious element. But then again, I’ve committed to tell the truth, as far as I understand it, in this space. So allow me at least two (short!) paragraphs.

Here’s what I’ll say in a nutshell: Acceptance is what God centrally says to us in the person of Jesus (check out Romans 5:8). Jesus loved us in all our weakness, failure, and maliciousness–and made us acceptable. It’s the message God continues to repeat to us, whispering and singing and shouting to the core of our identity: I don’t love you because of what you do. I loved you enough to bring you close and reconnect. Which I can do because of Him. 

Or as Paul puts it, Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you (Romans 15:7).

In our pre-Uganda cross-cultural training, I remember their explanation of shame/honor cultures’ strengths with bell-like clarity: Remember, Jesus covered our shame.

It’s what our souls long to hear: I accept you.  And it’s what I want to spend my life repeating–to myself, and a lot further beyond.

Like this post? You might like

Shame–and Your Marriage: On the Fear that Keeps Us Hiding (and Clawing Your Way Out)

Self-deprecation–and other “stupid” thoughts

The Three Words Our Kids Critically Need to Hear

Just Tell Me What I Want to Hear! (On Marriages that Tell the Truth)

Shame on You? Shame-parenting vs. Guilt-exposure, and a correlating INFOGRAPHIC

Benner, David G. The Gift of Being Yourself: The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press (2015), p. 76.