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yells angry

So yeah. That happened.

I won’t tell you which one. It doesn’t matter. And I have this phobia my kids will need to be in therapy because their mother is a writer.

I didn’t really want to tell anyone about it. Maybe you’d think I don’t have control over my kids (I do to some extent, but which of us truly does?). Or that I’m okay when a child yells or speaks disrespectfully. (I don’t.) Or wonder about their character. (Sometimes I do.)

But then again, maybe you’ve experienced when a child yells at you–even for a painful season. If not, maybe try the next blog over?

Let’s just say this child’s arrows found their mark. I’d been planning to read before bed. Maybe I cried a little instead, listened to a worship song that would speak some truth to me since my husband’s out of town.

The good news: I handled it well at last.

The bad news: It pretty much still stung.

What can you do when a teen–or any child yells at you?

1. Understand the heart behind the yell.

Evaluate why they’re provoked. What part should you own? What’s the “log in your eye” (Matthew 5:7) you need to remove before you analyze the speck in your teen’s eye?

Beneath this disproportionate reaction, what’s being stepped on?

Through a series of conversations, I finally understood this child didn’t feel like I trusted them. That wasn’t a message I’d given (this time), but it was what they received–and that meant something.

The next morning, I understood I had an opportunity to value my child’s emotions–which went a long way to defuse the conflict. The child did not have to fight anymore for what they felt was valid.

BTW: Nearly 1 in 12 teens, Harvard says, has an anger disorder.  If you’re noticing signs, get help.

2. I Scream, You Scream?

I taught my kids a little ditty from Proverbs 15:1:

A soft answer turns away wrath,
    but a harsh word stirs up anger.

This song probably helps me more often than it helps them. I’ve written a lot about my anger problem, and have found this verse to be absolutely true.

Tone of voice seems a pretty good barometer of my self-control. It’s also usually an immediate deescalator.

So when your teen yells? Keep calm and parent on.

3. Calmly maintain your boundaries.

Keep your voice level and let them know it’s not okay to speak this way to you. If they continue, you’ll take away their phone, or screen time, or whatever their pinch point is.

You are not powerless. Kids are nearly always disobeying the 5th commandment when they’re yelling at you.

This is not okay. And it won’t be okay for them to yell at a future spouse, a future boss, or anyone else.

yells

4. Keep doing what’s kind.

The next morning, I made a warm drink for The Yeller. I tried to communicate with tone of voice that this wasn’t an effort to manipulate or grovel. I think the child got the idea this was just grace in beverage form.

Grace–undeserved kindness–has this way of prying open our eyes; of humbling us. Proverbs puts it this way:

If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you. (25:21-22)

A little gesture smoothed the way, I think?

My child apologized. That was cool.

5. Preemptively ask your spouse to advocate for you.

As long as your spouse can be part of the solution (I know–that’s not all spouses), ask them to stick up for you without inflaming things. Sometimes it’s easier when someone else requires respect on your behalf.

6. Smother the sizzle.

A couple of weeks ago, I’d been reading this verse to this very child:

In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one. (Ephesians 6:16)

I needed faith here: Faith that God is doing what he says, finishing the good work he’s begun (Philippians 1:6). Working even my conflict for his honor (Romans 8:28). That he channels my child’s heart like a watercourse (Proverbs 21:1). That he orchestrates repentance (see my next point); my child’s heart is his project. I’m Robin (if that) to his Batman.

I needed faith that I am who God says I am. Not who my child says I am.

7. God is your defender.

God goes beyond refuge and profound presence (Psalm 46:1). He is our military ally (the Hebrew word: ezer). This battle is His before it was ever mine.

So as I prayed, I decided to step back mentally from my fear about what to do or how to change my child.

In this instance, I got the distinct impression I could ask the Holy Spirit to work, and I would just fill in with whatever actions he asked me to take.

8. Calmly confront when emotion has diminished.

When both of your fight/flight/freeze impulses have passed (and sometimes after a good night’s sleep)–talk about what happened.

Now, it is certainly to a person’s glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11). And parenting just requires a lot of battles we don’t pick; thankfully, God doesn’t let me know about all my sin at once.

But his kindness does lead me to repentance (Romans 2:4). And kids may not realize they’ve received mercy if we don’t confront them.

They may just see it as getting away with it–or that it’s not wrong at all.

 

I can be so hurt and even afraid when my teen yells–not afraid of my teen, but afraid of who they might become, or what this said about me as a parent.

But ultimately, this conflict was an opportunity for both of us to grow more like Christ and feed a stronger relationship.

Tell me: What helps you keep grounded in a conflict with your kids?
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