My latest hack for parenting teens

One of my (many, many) weirdnesses in parenting my teens has been the fact that every. Single. One of mine is opinionated and fairly strong in personality.

This is weird for me because I was totally the opposite. I was an I-excel-in-being-a-doormat-and-pleasing-the-world teenager.

I had no strong desire for independence because I was much happier handing everyone else, parents included, the leash wrapped around my neck.

(This bit me in the behind when I went to college. My desire to please others and control what they thought of me quickly devolved into a near-eating disorder. That’s a blog post for another time–but parents, beware your easy-going, yes-dad, overachieving angel children. Even that can hide a whole lotta dysfunction.)

Basically, I have teens motivated in completely different ways than I was. So my husband’s advice on parenting our teens has been an adjustment for me. Ready for this?

In parenting teens,  consider motivating them with the person they want to be.

Example, from when it’s time to quit that anonymous fast-food Mexican restaurant chain

Take my son several weeks ago, plotting his long-overdue moment to deliver his two-week notice at a fast food joint in town with rather dysfunctional management. (Imagine.)

Most of my son’s friends were also quitting the same day due to some over-the-top management moves. He expressed his plan follow suit with the ways they’d quit. He wanted to text that he was quitting immediately, and maybe even a few more unsavory moves after that, involving the drive-thru.

I reiterated that it was up to him. But I mentioned that these people would be his only reference for his next job and that maturity might look different.

When he wasn’t put off, I (gently, oh-so-gently) dropped in the idea that Jesus was about returning a blessing for an insult.

You can imagine how that went down. So said again, “Listen, this is your job to quit. And it’s your future you’re planning, not mine. You get to make this decision. You’re a man. You don’t need your mom to do this for you.”

Can you hear me internally gnawing my fingernails?

But my son drove down to the restaurant and respectfully conveyed his decision.

Insert sigh of relief heard around the world.

Parenting teens–and the individuation they crave

Dr. Kenneth Wilgus, in his book Feeding The Mouth That Bites You: A Complete Guide to Parenting Adolescents and Launching Them Into the World, writes,

Individuation is an adolescent’s quest to find the answer to the question, “When will I be an adult?” Individuation is a teenager’s primary need….

Individuation equals autonomy plus attachment.

….If you can’t control something, wrap it up and make an autonomy gift out of it: “Of course, at your age it’s up to you whether you…”

Wilgus quotes Walter Percy: “My mother refused to let me fail. So I insisted.” 

So Wilgus proposes,

In choosing areas of autonomy to hand over, you should be asking yourself, “Can I give this over to my teenager without the likelihood of devastating consequences?” If the answer is yes, give it to them.

See how Wilgus takes one of their core desires, and makes it work in your favor for parenting teens?

Playing into a teen’s identity–who they want to be–helps them think twice.

Basically, I’m continually reiterating to my teens, I’m handing over the reins. But I’ve got your back.  

And the hard part: If you want to do it your way, I’m not going to get in your way unless the consequences would be dire.

Spoiler: Sometimes this flat-out kills me.

This weekend I delicately (I hope?) warned my older boys (17 and 19) about some extended graphic sex scenes in Oppenheimer that released this weekend (I love you, Axis Culture Translator). But in my opinion, it’s not my role to make sure my adult son who’s out of the house doesn’t go see movies potentially bad for his mind and his spiritual health.

Maybe you disagree. If you think I’m off on this or are missing something, I welcome your comments! I do not have, nor do I want, the corner of the market on raising teens.

Here’s to individuated young men and women who make wise choices for themselves.

Like this post? You might like these posts on parenting teens:

Do We Want Our Teens to Just Make the Right Choice?

Guest Post: Guiding Kids through Media Choices

31 Conversation Starters for Teens, to Talk About What’s Real

Tweens, teens, control–and having my kid’s heart