Overfunctioning at Home? Here’s One Way to Stop

Ever wonder if you’re doing too much for your kids?

Personality-wise, this is my reality. I am a helper, an empath to a point that it arcs others’ eyebrows.

Parenting personality profiles tell me my kids will never doubt I love them. But I may hamstring them from becoming independent, high-functioning adults. And, I would guess, not expecting a roommate or spouse to do all the things for them someday.

Two weeks ago, I was thinking about “the eighths” again.

See, my kids tend to complete tasks about seven-eighths of the way.

As in, so close you could smell it. As in, if yours truly can just help that sock into the hamper, that dish into the dishwasher from the sink (oops! And dump the scraps in the trash). If I can place their shoes on the stairs for them to take up.

Here’s the thing. If each of my three kids at home does just ten tasks seven-eighths of the way?

I’m “just” doing 240 eighths. Or 30 whole jobs I shouldn’t be doing.

You might even call it giving someone a little grace.

Funny thing, that: If my kids don’t know what they deserve–how things should be–they tend to think grace, or leeway, is what they deserve. 

For my kids, in this season of life:

• You can turn off the lights before you go to bed.
• You can do a better job of cleaning the kitchen after you cooked–than just looking like you licked everything down.
• You can put your now-huge shoes in a place that doesn’t break my tibia if I’m not looking down.

Because their character needs it

I was thinking about the eighths again because burnout and I tend to be on a bit cozier terms than I would like. And the needle on my emotional tank repeatedly points to tired-mad.

Maybe because I do 223 eighths too many? Maybe because I think I’m saving myself from their grumbling? Or the need to constantly check (and complete) seven-eighths-done chores?

I’ve told you about why neither of us should pick up our kid’s socks: Because our help…my help…makes them helpless. 

To put a finer point on it: My overfunctioning at home creates kids who underfunction. It damages my kids. And apparently I’m not the only one.

As I’ve said, we never know what resilience our kids might need in the future for which today must prepare them. Sometimes our kids, and their futures, need struggle.

It’s powerful to communicate, You do have the tools to respond to your own life!

Overfunctioning at home: What to do

I’ve written about 5 Ways to Stop Overfunctioning at home, and Me, Overfunctioning: 3 Bad Things It’s Teaching My Kids.

So, you know, theoretically I’m aware?

When do I cross the line from empowering to enabling?

My teens are nearly adults, people.

So when I decided (again) that I’d had it two weeks ago, I thought about what motivates my cash-poor teenagers. Like cash. Phones. Cooking food.

Plus, we do share a goal…mostly: Them becoming adults. (I unpack this strategy in this hack for parenting teens. Thank you, Husband.)

What motivates your kids might be different than what motivates mine. And of course there’s the question, “What can I be consistent about enforcing?”

I drew up and conspicuously posted–with no small amount of glee on my part–the following spreadsheet.

It seems important to note Charlie is the dog.

I’m always hesitant to share what seems like a “good idea” before I’ve done it for, like, a year.

But maybe, like me at the end of the summer, a girl just needs a suggestion, for the love of Mike.

In the short term at least, I’m tripping over a lot less shoes, facing a dirty kitchen less when I get up, and handing a kid a trash bag every now and then.

Turns out empowering them empowers me, too.

Your turn. What’s helped you stop overfunctioning at home?

We need tips, people! Drop them in the comments!