Enneagram Compatibility: What if We Don’t Have It?

Y’know that feeling when you’re in one of the stressed, worst versions of yourself? That was me a weekend ago.

I had a million reasons. But as the sun sank on Sunday, it was obvious I was falling into classic unhealthy patterns of my personality type.

I’m a prototypical enneagram 2 (with a big, flapping 3-wing and a 1-wing not far behind).*

As in, look in the dictionary, and you might find my picture. As in, friends are like, “When I read the description of a 2, I was like, ‘This is you!'”

Enneagram Compatibility: From a Couple that Doesn’t Technically Have It

But my husband vacillates between a 5-wing-4 or a 4-wing-5.

And unless we work intentionally, when one of us leans toward a lack of health? Old, well-worn cycles suck us in like an overactive Kirby.

It used to look something like

• wife is over-sensitive; husband is raw, even critical, and wants space
• wife would like demands affirmation/appreciation; husband resists emotional demands and manipulation
• wife is exhausted and resentful (known as “tired-mad” in our house);  wife feels like people don’t see her apart from what she does for them (sniff)
• husband is caving and becomes engulfed in his inner world. Wife is like, This is like wearing camouflage. He doesn’t even know I’m here. Wife helps and helps to make things easier (and let’s be honest, to be seen), to the point of overfunctioning and exhaustion.  Husband responds by caving more.

Recently I read with curiosity lately the enneagram compatibility of twos and fives. Apparently, it’s not a very common match.

My mom pointed out once, “You know, you and [your husband] are more different from any of your sisters and their husbands.”

(This is like saying, “Steve Jobs was good at computers.”)

How our incompatibility made us a great couple

But here’s the thing. Subtracting those differences would completely flatten all the parts I love about our relationship. Our meandering, adventurous path together. My own character.

I shudder to think of the insecure, clutching ways in which I sought to “help” people. The thoughtless ways I steamrolled others. The timid lack of creativity characterized my work and my life…and each of these that would have stayed that way without the bold, colorful, refining strokes that God has painted in my life through this man.

The work of enduring love toward him changes me, too.

Working to love someone well whose personality poses such a striking contrast widens my perspective, my capability to love, my graciousness and understanding.

Loving people unlike ourselves–when we can patiently wait for the dissonance like a junior-high band to pass–produces the swelling, overwhelming harmonies of a full orchestra.

It’s another step to remind me that my relationships aren’t subjects in my kingdom. Relationships are opportunities to serve and change. My conflicts are often assignments  from him.

And when we conflict, it’s really the desires within the two of us that are waging war (see James 4:1). We’re fighting for what’s precious to us…and has often become too precious, our core loves disordered.

The funny thing? I find I’m now drawn to others like my husband. I love that so many 5’s tell the truth, to the point of being unflinching; it’s like they can’t not be themselves. It makes them trustworthy. I love their 360-degree approach to thoughtful, contemplative wisdom.

The 4 part of him helps us dream creatively, finding the perfect gray for the walls, or deciding on an out-of-the-box solution to a problem. And his authentic touch with emotion is invaluable to us. To me.

Enneagram compatibility, learned

The enneagram extends us a tool not to pigeon-hole each other, but to kickstart understanding–and ask the right questions. 

At the point a personality test or label becomes a way to get someone pegged (“he’s a man. Men don’t…” “She’s an extrovert. I doubt she even noticed that”), it moves out of “help me know you” to “Understanding or asking is unnecessary. I already know.” This is also known as assumicide.

Both of us had to laugh months ago while riding in the car. We were feeling secure in our relationship (which thankfully, is the norm).  I asked him, “What quality in another person would be tempting because I don’t have it?”

Him: “Being understated.” This was the hilarious part. I really am anything but that, people. I am exuberant and full-throttle and what you would either call sparkling or annoying, depending on your enneagram number.

Me: “Affirmation.”

I told him that sometimes, my occasionally-critical husband needs to just slather on the affirmation. Like pumping lotion from a bottle.

So we now have a mimed symbol, when he is being his uber-direct, enneagram-5 self. With an overeager smile, I pump an imaginary bottle of affirmation-lotion into my hands, and smear it over my shoulders.

Though in some ways we represent different extremes, each of us critically needs the other.

“Aha” moments–about the ones we love

Knowing our tendencies via personality profiles like the enneagram helps us toward some of those “aha” moments of understanding our spouse not as foreigner, but as one flesh (Genesis 2:25). It helps us ask good questions of each other, and better comprehend each other’s unique pain and deeply-felt needs.

(As a two, it’s flayed open some of my less-than-pure motivations, and patterns that sabotage my marriage.)

Less-than-ideal enneagram compatibility has shown us we may need to work harder than some couples at seeing eye-to-eye. And honestly? Sometimes we don’t.

But that’s also what makes us a powerful team.

Enneagram compatibility can’t be a deal-maker or deal-breaker for me. Because God has a long, illustrious history of pairing people together in marriage or on a team who are straight-up different, for God’s honor and a more holistic representation of who he is (think Paul and Silas, Ruth and Naomi, Mary and Martha).

Even for people outside my marriage with whom I normally clash, I can’t biblically say, “I don’t need you” (1 Corinthians 12:23). They’re a chance not for me to say, “Sorry, we’re just not compatible!”–but instead, “You make me more holy. Let’s talk.”

(But maybe bring your bottle of affirmation-lotion. Just sayin’.)

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*The enneagram is all the rage lately, drawing both legitimate Christian praise as well as concern.  I’ve written about how I personally have employed it as a faith tool to expose some of my core motivations and, well, sins.