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church hurt

This is one of those posts where I’m not an expert, just a mom. (Um, most of my posts?!)

But maybe these small ideas will help. And if I’m smart, I’ll keep this short, right?

I sat with one of my teens a couple of weeks ago as they expressed yet another issue where they felt intense anger with the church at large: namely, purity culture. (See “Purity Culture: Lose the Lies, Keep Your Faith.”)

Having four opinionated kids (not to mention adult friends) who my husband and I are attempting to meet with toward emotionally healthy spirituality–this isn’t my first rodeo with church hurt.

I’m willing to bet all of us can resonate with people in the Church being unhealthy, harmful, and downright evil.

Because the church is full of, hello, humans. And despite us being redeemed, new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17), despite the clear beauty of God’s Bride?

Here on earth, we can do a lot of damage in the name of Jesus. (That could be an entire website on its own. Probably is.)

But in this podcast, I was reminded most people who walk away from the Church do so because of emotional or personal trauma. 

So I’m mashing together what does work…in a world of church hurt.

First: Listen

My kids’ issues with the Church (big C) have ranged from the less-consequential (“the worship music style drives me nuts”) to the legit (“Why didn’t that sermon on divorce even touch on the abuse of women?”) to the deeply personal and hurtful.

And as a parent who loves Jesus’ Bride with all her warts and loves my own little-C church, this feels personal. Note: My kids’ thoughts are rarely expressed with gentleness and graciousness.

So these often feel like personal attacks. I’m a part of the church.

In fact, as I gently point out, this isn’t an us/them thing. They, too–we–are the Church. (Don’t miss this podcast episode on Healing from Church Hurt, with Jackie Hill Perry.)

My kids have the capacity to be a part of change. And I can help cast that vision.

But first, I need to understand why their pain connects so personally with their story.

I believe firmly that empathy and active listening are some of our best apologetics. But our kids may not be getting that vibe from the pulpit or the youth pastor.

So do all the active listening things (please see these 10 tips on being an emotionally safe place–which help with anybody). Leave at least three seconds after they pause, to see what they fill the space with. Show them your care with your face and appropriate silence.

And of course, nix defensiveness.

Ask 3 Levels of Why

To understand kids’ current anger or pain, I’ve had to consider–if not ask them directly–about what’s beneath their frustration.

Remember: Anger is a secondary emotion, following disappointment, rejection, hurt, fear.

So rather than taking personal offense, it’s my chance to enter into their experience. To dig into the why’s, and sometimes the whys beneath those. To really understand, rather than judge or let a theological issue trump my ability to love them well and hear their hurt.

(Again, if I don’t, I lose that privilege to walk with them in intimate spaces like God walks with me in my pain and doubt.)

What feels valuable to them that’s been stepped on?

For some of my kids, social justice is at stake–loving all people well.

For another, it’s issues of relevance. Can the church keep pace with my kids’ world and the weight of its questions? Does anyone care about their experience as a teen in the church?

Author and pastor Tim Keller has written, “A faith without some doubts is like a human body without antibodies. It is susceptible to attack.”

So consider these conversations as opportunities to strengthen your kids’ faith from within. And maybe your own.

Do I Make Them Go to Youth Group?

If you’re wondering if you should make your bruised or angry kids go to youth group–in my (again, un-expert) opinion, this varies vastly by the child.

So pray about this. Ask God for insight about your kid’s unique heart.

In my mind, youth group is largely about

  • discipleship
  • fellowship and authentic community
  • worship in ways that resonate with teens
  • spiritual disciplines of gathering together (Hebrews 10:25)
  • learning to persevere in loving well when people aren’t like us, or are even irritating or wrong (#mindblown)

Does your youth group meet these needs for your child? Do you need to supplement a way it’s weak–or continue to download and dialogue about an area of weakness? Do you need to help with some conflict coaching?

If youth group would only make your child feel more alienated, can those needs be met in part by

  • communal worship on Sundays,
  • regular personal time in God’s Word,
  • a Christian mentor,
  • summer camp,
  • an on-campus group, or
  • a Bible study that meets in someone’s home–maybe yours?

This is a time to talk with your teen about the values underneath youth group. Maybe this is a season to muscle through, and debrief after youth group together. Or maybe you’ll agree to forgo youth group (…yes, I just said that out loud) if your teen willingly seeks out a mentor or a Bible study.

“What Happened to You?”

I’m reminded of a school superintendent who used to be a teacher. He told me he used to look at troubled kids and think, “What’s wrong with you?”

But he learned to start asking, “What happened to you?”

His words bring to mind the parable of the Good Samaritan. An Israelite–someone you could say was in “the church”–when leaving Jerusalem, the Holy City was robbed and left half-dead. But church people tended to walk to the other side of the road when they saw him.

Sure, maybe the robbed man could’ve taken more precautions. And the story doesn’t mention him lashing out like a bear in a trap.

Yet what can we do, like the good Samaritan, to apply oil to the wounds of those feeling hurt and robbed along their journey? Those who associate the Church with grief, loss, and Do you even see me?

May God give you the patience, compassion, and wisdom as you care this week.

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